I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The news
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?