Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
You Might Also Like
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
i hope my email finds you on fire
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?