One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
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7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Anyone want a chair?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck