[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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