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Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: