Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8