wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
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friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael