OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
You Might Also Like
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Life with a cat in one tweet
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs