Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.