@funTweeters I am at your service….
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INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow