Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
You Might Also Like
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller