[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast