him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button