Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
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Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Me when someone tries to get to know me
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.