My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.