Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
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2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me checking my bank balance online.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin