Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.