If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.