Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
i’m still crying at this
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.