When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things