I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.