Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now