I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Liquor Store Parking
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too