I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Netflix and awkward silence?
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
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