“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it