I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
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If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat