I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
You Might Also Like
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?