Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
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A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.