Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You Might Also Like
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Spider-cat: No One Home
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
they really do be looking like this
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.