Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all