That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
men, we mow at sunrise.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Baking is just science you can eat.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”