girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
this could fix me
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
From Facebook just now…
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
There is wisdom there.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.