PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries