[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.