Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I am yelling
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Something Saturday.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT