Basketball games are very squeaky.
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On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family