Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
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*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio