Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes