a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”