God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My Sentiments Exactly
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Its a hippotatomus
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.