Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Order here:
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I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing