“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁