I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
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If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets