Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension