Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.