Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.