Flowers bee like
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.