Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
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Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
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