What in the hipster hell is going on here
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If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me