strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
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Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
tourist season
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!