Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
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the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.